What do you do when rage takes over?

Yesterday was a first for me. I have bad days and I have days that I wanted to just punch a hole through a steel wall. But, yesterday was a first. I really mean that it got so bad that I started shaking. I was walking to the "bat cave" and with every step I would take I would start shaking more and more and my upper lip started trembling.

I knew then that was it was getting to that boiling point. I felt like I was going to seriously injure someone. I don't know what is going on with me right now. It has never been that bad. I mean with Wineglass's punk ass there was always mama d to calm me down or Rut, now I don't have that. This is deployment number three and this is by far the worse people deployment I have ever been on. I mean this is sad, there is no loyalty to each other. There is no brotherhood. Half these people if they were on fire I wouldn't even waste the urine in my body to put them out.

Is there something wrong with me? Have I entered the darkest that I have ever been in my life. I do realize that I have trouble with my anger and I would rather bottle it all up until that bottle can't hold any more, but It has been 32 yrs of swallowing my anger, it has been 32 yrs of jokes at my expense. It has been 32 yrs of backstabbing, misuse, neglect, pain, and suffering. 32 years of lies, having my shit stolen, bullied, and not really being able to just get what I want when I want it. But, fuck it right. I lost so many people in my life that made things so worth it. I can pinpoint the day that it happened.

When I lost my GREAT grandfather, I lost faith in life, I lost everything when that old man passed away. When I saw him die right in front of me, I didn't cry, I didn't feel anything. And then what's worse, I took care of my grandfather, I did that and what did I get in return. Not a fucking thing, I didn't even get a hey fucker thanks for watching him when we wanted to party and do our own thing. So yeah thanks family, you really have made things clear as crystal for me. Fuck you all for making my mother and father have to go through that nightmare of taking care of my grandmother, fuck you all for not even giving them the chance to come on a simple vacation to visit there child.