What do you do when rage takes over?

Yesterday was a first for me. I have bad days and I have days that I wanted to just punch a hole through a steel wall. But, yesterday was a first. I really mean that it got so bad that I started shaking. I was walking to the "bat cave" and with every step I would take I would start shaking more and more and my upper lip started trembling.

I knew then that was it was getting to that boiling point. I felt like I was going to seriously injure someone. I don't know what is going on with me right now. It has never been that bad. I mean with Wineglass's punk ass there was always mama d to calm me down or Rut, now I don't have that. This is deployment number three and this is by far the worse people deployment I have ever been on. I mean this is sad, there is no loyalty to each other. There is no brotherhood. Half these people if they were on fire I wouldn't even waste the urine in my body to put them out.

Is there something wrong with me? Have I entered the darkest that I have ever been in my life. I do realize that I have trouble with my anger and I would rather bottle it all up until that bottle can't hold any more, but It has been 32 yrs of swallowing my anger, it has been 32 yrs of jokes at my expense. It has been 32 yrs of backstabbing, misuse, neglect, pain, and suffering. 32 years of lies, having my shit stolen, bullied, and not really being able to just get what I want when I want it. But, fuck it right. I lost so many people in my life that made things so worth it. I can pinpoint the day that it happened.

When I lost my GREAT grandfather, I lost faith in life, I lost everything when that old man passed away. When I saw him die right in front of me, I didn't cry, I didn't feel anything. And then what's worse, I took care of my grandfather, I did that and what did I get in return. Not a fucking thing, I didn't even get a hey fucker thanks for watching him when we wanted to party and do our own thing. So yeah thanks family, you really have made things clear as crystal for me. Fuck you all for making my mother and father have to go through that nightmare of taking care of my grandmother, fuck you all for not even giving them the chance to come on a simple vacation to visit there child.

is it really worth it...

Today I am supposed to be in great a great mood. I am supposed to be talking to my wife reflecting on our last year as a married couple. But, it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. I am deployed so there is the on nail. Then I am stuck not being able to really do anything, there is nail number two. I don't have a lot of play money right now, so there is number three. Then the final nail come in the form of i might not be able to go home on leave. All the bullshit i put up with before doesn't even compare to how i feel right now/ I mean I have been so low that I have wanted to end it all, then there has been moment's that I wanted to immortalize them in my history. But. right now I feel lower then the ground under the shit. Now, I might not be able to come home and see my lil one turn two. Thank you 2-8, you have fucked me over again. It seems like the only place that life was good in the military was when i was in Germany. Ever since I came to the states, things just got shot to shit. The military really has made my like a living hell.


I have adopted the nickname Big Daddy for two special reason's. I feel that this is the correct forum to explain it. There is a game called Bioshock, it happens to be one of my favorite games and one of the characters in the game happeneds to be named Big Daddy. He protects his lil sister with great ferocity and disregard for his own life. This is the first reason I choose this name. The second reason is cause I have gotten considerably larger while on this deployment. Melody and Sidsel are my lil girls. I will protect them like mindless brutes.

Enough on that. I am so pissed right now. Everywhere else i have been I knew when I was going to leave for RnR a week in advance. Being that I am "supposed" to be going home for the 1 through the 10th, I am supposed to either be leaving here tomorrow or the next day, but I can't even come close to saying when that is going to happen. I hate this shit and feel like punching a hole through the wall right now. If I find out that I am not going at all i will completely shut down. No one will exist outside of family.  I don't care anymore as is, this will just make it easier to get rid of them. Fuck the world, cause it keeps on fucking me.

Why does this bullshit keep happening to me, I mean I grew up in the church and yet I sit back and watch as my family and friends that give everything to "God" sit and suffer. If there really was one then why the fuck is he playing mind games with us. You are supposed to take care of the world and yet you sit back and watch as people die needlessly, you sit back and watch as families go hungry and the rich just sit back and enjoy there lives. Yeah, you are there...to watch us fail. The only thing i have left in my life is my family. I will take care of them till the end. Which there is no end for me so guess they will always be protected.

So is it really worth it....as far as family, hell yeah. As far as God...no, I would rather believe in nothing before i subject myself to giving all my problems to a man that is not there to solve them. As far as friends....they only get half because if you are a member of the inner circle then you are considered family anyway. The rest can die tomorrow and i would piss on there grave the next. The rest of the world can get the middle finger and french kiss my ass so we both can enjoy it.

The resturant for Life

Hi welcome to the restaurant for Life, we have seated you in the "Fuck your life" section. Today on the menu we have you will never have a lot of money, and our special a big heaping bowl of you suck soup. There is nothing in the soup, but in the end you suck.


Wow!!! Finance has come and they have gone. I have tried to call the help desk and get my card fixed and the fucking idiot on the other line could tie his own shoes let alone tell me why my card is still not being able to get used. I hate the human race and everyone in it. I would like to meet one single human with common sense. I mean someone that can tell me something when I ask a simple fucking question. No, they seem to want to be complete idiots. Damn, why does everything have to be automated. Are we so lazy as a society that we can't even answer the phone anymore. I get so tired of hearing to speak with this person press or say one. To speak to this person press or say two. 2, sorry we didn't get that, and then they fucking repeat it over and over and over again. Sorry, but I don't think that there is anyone out there.

And then to have to put up with all this bullshit about God, and what he has done. Where is the proof people. I am sorry, but I don't believe it I have seen too much crap in my life to believe. How can a man call himself a pastor and drive around in a Bentley, but his congregation is driving a pinto. Then all I hear is "Give it to God!" Let God take care of it, Ok tell you what, if I did that, then nothing would get done. Look at my parents. They gave it to God and didn't get nothing but heart ache and pain. So yeah I will give it to me, cause I am the one that is busting his ass out there, I am the one taking care of my family. So yeah i am not giving nothing to noone but ME!

mistakes that should never be...

I am deployed right now and I am hating life. I can't believe that I left my fucking debit card and/or credit card at the house. All I took with me is this worthless star card that I can't use because these dumb ass's can't figure out what is clothing and sales vs. what is not. Then the bane of my deployment the fucking Eagle Cash card. This is the worst idea I have ever had. There has been so many time when I have listened to others and not did what I wanted to do. From now on I am going to do what I wanted to do for the start. I am going to get what I want when I think I am going to need it. No more, "Hey SGT., can I get something like that?" To see that others have gone to go get it and then being told no. I am sick and tired right now of all this you can't do this and you can't do that because all I see is others with the same thing that I wanted to get but couldn't because others want to say no. So come tomorrow I am going to get the bag I want so when i do finally go on RnR I will have the bag that I want. I am going to get the computer bag that I want because I need a bigger one. You think I can fit a 15 inch screen laptop and an iPad in a small one. Hell, I brought my assault bag with me and that thing only had my laptop, and my iPad in it and that was it. So fuck 'em, if they don't like it tough titty on them. 

Patience

Patience is defined as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. But, what happens when after 31 years of turning the other cheek, taking someone elses bullshit and listening to incompetence that calls themselves being in charge of someone has reached it's peak in my life. I just wish I could figure out why at times i just want to destroy everything in my path. There is nothing that anyone can do to calm this down. The only person that I would talk to about this is over 4000 miles away and right now she has to sleep. What the fuck am I supposed to do, others would say give it to God and let him handle it, did that when i was a kid and it didn't work. Tried it again when i was an adult in a shitty marriage and all i got for that was my ass kicked both physically and mentally. So with me there is no such thing as three strikes and your out. I mean come on, you took my great grand father from me, you took my brother from me and you took a great leader, you took all these soldiers from their families and loved one's. How am i supposed to believe in a man that would do something like this. But, fuck it i guess. I would rather just like always, just say fuck it, and fuck the world cause it always fucks me.

being hoe'ed out to everyone

This is some baby back bullshit, i hate being good at something cause every time i get picked to drive that fucking forklift. I hate this shit, everytime they see other's driving it but as soon as there is work to be done, "Sgt. Wilborn can you drive the forklift for us. Man fuck this place, everyone in it and the STALLION that is rode in on.

The start of something...

Well we started today with our "mission's" Being on this type of mission really sucks cause you are going to have soooo much down time that you are going to to crazy. We have a PL that is fresh so he has to learn the way to do things and then we have a chain of command that doesn't want to listen to what input we have on certain subjects. Then of course they don't want to make life easy for us they want to make things hard and pointless. I can't wait to go to the last formation and then say good bye to 2-8. I also missed my anniversary of being in the military. I have been doing this now for 13 years. That is an accomplishment for me cause it is the first thing that I have stuck with for such a long time. So hooray for me on that. Should have a nice pay check on this one. Well, time for radio guard. Two hours of sitting around and doing nothing.